Two Steps Forward

Where has the time gone? As of December 5th, my fiancé and I have been engaged for 4 months. As of tomorrow, we will have known each other for 8 months. Time is flying! I was over-zealous back in October thinking I would be able to plan a wedding, finish up my teaching job, pack and move to Mississippi,  prepare my heart for marriage AND start a blog. I had hoped to document at least weekly the happenings of this transition. Ha! Story of my life - biting off more than I can chew. 

But, in this moment I'm so happy to be sitting here writing right now. My soul needs this hour. It needs many more hours like this. The last few weeks have been particularly trying. ("Trying" is not really the right word, because it has a negative connotation, and everything surrounding the chaos of my life at the moment is very positive! But, the past few weeks have been a challenge regardless.)

As I prepare to leave my job and move out of my apartment this week, I have found myself swimming in a sea of boxes, and bubble wrap, and lesson plan ideas for the substitute taking over my class in 4 days...

drifting through a fog of relocation details (think health insurance, post office, furniture measurements, etc.)...

trying to keep track of final wedding preparations... (those pictures are a secret!)

looking for spare moments to spend with friends and family that will soon be long distance friends and family...

missing my currently long distance fiancé deeply...

And, oh yeah, it's Christmas in 10 (TEN!) days. You know, that special day when we celebrate God's great gift to us - our Savior. 

There has been so much busy-ness in my days as of late. And I have learned myself well enough to know that I don't do busy-ness well. It usually ends up being more like busy-mess. Where I am a mess. Inwardly. Because, you see, I don't fight the temptation to be a Martha very well. {Luke 10:38-42} By nature I am a "DO"-er. Not a "BE"-er. I have had to learn how to sit at the feet of Jesus and rest. I have had to learn how to hand over my to-do list and trust that what needs done will get done. I have had to learn to put first things first. And in my honest confession, I have failed at these things the last few weeks. The call of my work, and the packing, and the planning has been much louder than the whisper that calls me to rest. And to worship. And to give thanks.  Some would argue, rightfully so. I truly do have a lot on my plate right now. But for me, nothing is more important than my time with Jesus and when that gets cut short, and when the busyness of my life stiffles the joy of Christ in my heart, I suffer. Those around me suffer and most importantly, HE is not given the affection from me that He deserves.

So in this moment, I am going to attempt to make my busy-ness, THANKful-ness. I will turn my work into worship.

When I am overwhelmed with packing --- I will THANK YOU LORD for all of the material provisions you have given me. I have never lacked for any necessity and I am rarely asked to say "no" to my wants either. Thank you for all of the boxes that have been donated to me, making this packing process less expensive.

When I am overwhelmed at the thought of leaving my job --- I will THANK YOU LORD for providing this job in the first place. It has been a testimony to me that you do hear and answer prayer.  Thank you for the joy that my students bring to me each day. Thank you for giving me the ability to teach, wherever I may be in this world.

When I am physically tired --- I will THANK YOU LORD that you were a man and you knew what it was like to be tired. Thank you that I can rest in YOU. Thank you that you will give me the strength I need to complete the tasks you have laid before me.

When I am anxious about leaving my friends and family --- I will THANK YOU LORD that I have friends and family who love me more than I deserve. Thank you for technology that will allow us to easily stay in touch and for the dear friends and family I will have in my new home. Most of all, thank you Lord for being a friend that sticks closer than a brother. I am never alone, for You are always with me.

When I feel consumed with wedding planning details --- I will THANK YOU LORD for the gift of marriage. I have waited for this time for so long. You have been so faithful to me in providing this blessing. Thank you that you have made provisions for us to have a wedding that will glorify you and be a wonderful time of celebration! Thank you that marriage and weddings are more than just what happens in this physical world. Thank you that you have chosen such a sweet illustration of how Jesus relates to His church. An illustration of how much you love us!

When I feel lonely and miss my fiancé --- I will THANK YOU LORD that I have a fiancé!! Thank you that this time of separation will soon end in a joyous union. Thank you that this time of separation reminds me of the separation we have from You until that great heavenly marriage supper! Thank you that I can look forward with hope to Your return, as you {the bridegroom} come to gather us {your bride} to yourself.

When I feel burdened with my sin and imperfections during this busy time --- I will THANK YOU LORD for your great grace. I am not right with you because of my own works, or my own righteous actions or responses. I am right with you because of YOUR RIGHTEOUSNESS alone. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Put a Ring On It

My mom and I spent about an hour looking at nail polish together in Walmart. We both love to shop - taking in all the colors, textures, and creative possibilities. This particular trip, we were in search of the next perfect color to add to our stash. Usually, if we can't decide between a few colors, we always go with the color that has the best name.  Ya know.... "One fine day", "Ruby Ruby",  "Plum of the Earth" or "Mint Apple". Finding out your nail polish has a cool name is the best part of the whole experience!

I would be leaving in a few days to embark on my first major road trip; traveling from Ohio to St. Louis with my dear friend Kaitlin, then heading on to Crystal Springs, Mississippi on my own. All the major details had been figured out - gracious friends to stay with, new tires on the car, oil change, bags packed, numerous prayers offered up, playlists made, audio books checked out from the library. But now, I just needed to decide what color to wear on my nails. It was a tough choice. Should I go bold, with teal? Classic with a nice red? Or subtle with light pink? I finally found a great color. A feminine shade of soft pink.

I admit, it's not the most important decision I'll ever make in my life, but it was fun none-the-less. I really enjoyed this time with my mom, just being a girl. We picked up our hues and headed home. We were chatting about my upcoming trip as we prepared to paint our nails. "Are you nervous?" "Do you think you want to marry Rob?" "Have you two known each other long enough?" I shared with her my hearts intent. He was the man I wanted to marry. He points me to Jesus. Encourages me to pray. Sings worship songs with me. Helps me share the gospel. Makes me laugh. Listens to me cry. Always gives me a gentle answer. Has desired to be a husband and father long before meeting me. Knows the Bible better than I do. Makes me want to know it better. Gives me butterflies. I could go on... I hoped he would propose. He and I had talked about it and I enjoyed his boldness and direct intentions. But I wasn't really sure when or how... or for sure, it would happen.

There was a natural pause in our conversation and I realized I hadn't checked out the name of my nail polish before buying it. This one won me over by color alone. When I flipped it over, I shrieked with joy.

My mom and I both giggled. And I think we probably both knew (as I would later find out, she DID know!) I would indeed come home with a ring. 

"Seek His face always"