I know many women and couples choose not to talk openly about losing their
unborn children and I can understand that decision. It is a deep sorrow. But, I have decided to document and share my
experience for a number of reasons. First, I am a verbal processor. Talking
through things and writing about them helps me process what I'm feeling. It's
healing for me to put my thoughts and feelings on paper. Second, as I've walked
through this trial, I have found immense comfort and encouragement from ladies
who have been open in sharing details about the emotional and physical effects
of a miscarriage. I'm hoping that my experience can do the same for other women
who may experience this loss (though I wish no one would ever have to
experience it). Lastly, I am hoping in some way that God can be glorified
through my sharing of this experience.
So, here it goes.
We found out we were pregnant mid February. Both my husband
and I are type-A, planning type people. We love children, we love life, and we
view it as a gift from the Lord, but we had planned to wait at least a short
while before we had children. We'd never lived together, I had just moved to a
new state, we still had a lot to learn about each other and our new life together.
But, as Proverbs 16:9 says...
"A
man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps."
The plan that the Lord had for us was different from the
plan we had made for ourselves... in more ways than we could have ever
imagined.
Considering we had been married for less than a month when
we found out we were pregnant, it took some time for the news of this new
little life to sink in. We waited to share with anyone until our hearts were
right and rejoicing in this blessing. But, it sure is amazing how little time
it takes for a baby to change everything, in so many splendid ways! All of my
thoughts and actions changed. I loved imagining what our sweet baby would be
like outside of the womb. And I loved researching the wonderful creation
happening inside my womb and marveling at God's incredible power and
creativity... We are indeed fearfully and wonderfully made!
"For
You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother's womb. I will praise
You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, and
that my soul knows very well." Psalm 139:13-14
Our
tiny, little nugget. :)
I started having pregnancy symptoms right away. Nausea,
fatigue, bloating, sore muscles, food aversions, cravings, sleepless nights,
etc. One symptom that surprised me was car-sickness. I quickly became the
driver in our tiny family because I couldn't hardly stand the queasiness of
being a passenger. I was revolted by oatmeal and could have survived for days
off of popsicles and Sprite. Mmmmm! Some days I felt great, other days I felt
like all I could do was curl up on the couch and sleep. I'm thankful my husband
has provided me with the ability to be at home during this time and really care
for myself. All the ladies I've taught with during their first trimester, I
have a newfound respect for you!!
As my pregnancy symptoms progressed, it became harder and
harder to keep our little secret. I missed Bible study one evening and my
husband, bless his sweet heart, let the word "nauseous" slip out
while he was explaining why I wasn't there. Of course, this peeked everyone's
interest! We shared the happy news with my parents and siblings the following
Sunday, March 12th over Skype/FaceTime. It was such a fun time! And how
thankful we are for technology! At that point, based on LMP (January 14, 2016)
I was 8 weeks 2 days pregnant.
We shared the news with local friends that evening and
anticipated our first prenatal appointment the next Thursday, March 17th. We
planned to share the news and sonogram picture with my husband's family and other friends and family after
our appointment. In the meantime, we had fun thinking about names, mapping out
how we could move furniture around to accommodate our little blessing. Oh, how
fun it was to plan and dream!
March 17th, the day of our appointment, was interesting... I
thought I would feel excited, but I found myself feeling nervous. I wanted to
see the heartbeat and finally have a picture of our sweet baby. I was a little
on edge and anxious to just know for sure that all was well. Now, my husband is
a miracle, identical triplet! So, as we prepared for our appointment, and
because of my strong symptoms so early on, I was wondering if we might be
having multiples. As the technician began the sonogram, I started to ask about
seeing multiples... and then I saw her face. She was not smiling. She did smile
at me when she noticed I was watching her, but I could tell it was a forced
smile. She asked me about our dates again and said the baby was only measuring
6 weeks and that she couldn't find a heartbeat. Again, based on LMP, I should
have been 9 weeks along, but it was possible that conception happened later and
therefore, the baby wouldn't be as far along as we had expected. She also
mentioned that the sac looked enlarged, or further along in development than
the baby. This could indicate one of two things 1) the baby had died at 6
weeks, but the sac continued to grow and I was miscarrying or 2) the baby was
only 6 weeks old and the enlarged sac could indicate genetic complications and
a miscarriage would be likely. Neither option sounded good to us. I can't
explain the feeling I had, seeing such a tiny person on the screen, so
helpless, and innocent, and so deeply loved already. I cried instantly. Just
the thought of possibly losing the baby was enough to cause deep sorrow. The
Nurse Practitioner we were seeing couldn't tell us for certain that the baby
had died and she couldn't tell us for certain that everything was going to be
OK. We just didn't have any answers. She asked me to have blood work done that
day to monitor my HCG levels. We would need to see it double over the next 3
days to have any assurance that the pregnancy could be viable.
We left the doctor's office in a bit of a fog. Was this
really happening? I had gone from the highest high to the lowest low. I didn't
know if I should have hope or if I should prepare my heart for
never-known-before grief. I tried to do a little bit of both. We proceeded to
my in-laws house and shared all the news with the family. It was hard and bitter-sweet.
We came home and all we had to do was wait. And pray. And worship. That night I
couldn't sleep as I had a horrific nightmare about miscarriage and woke up to a
thunderstorm. I went to the other bedroom and poured out my heart in bitterness
and anguish to the Lord.
"And
she was in bitterness of soul, and prayed to the Lord and wept in anguish. Then
she made a vow and said, 'O Lord of hosts, if You will indeed look on the
affliction of Your maidservant and remember me, and not forget Your
maidservant, but will give Your maidservant a male child, then I will give him
to the Lord all the days of his life, and no razor shall come upon his
head."
1
Samuel 1:10-11
I prayed those words of Hannah's as if they were my own. I
have never before met with the Lord in such a raw state of heart as this. I
read Matthew 7:7-11 and believed that God is a good Father and He knows how to
give good gifts and that I could trust Him to answer my prayer
accordingly.
The next few days were agonizingly long. The Internet can be
such a blessing and a help, but it can also be a source of great anxiety. I
searched so many websites and blogs and forums looking for cases similar to
mine that turned out OK. I had dear friends checking with their fertility
gurus, looking at the sonogram, helping us try to calculate the most accurate
date, etc. I am so thankful for the wealth of knowledge I now have and the
greater understanding and marvel I have for God's work in conception, but
absolutely nothing could give me a definitive answer. Was I going to lose my
baby? I was forced to wait and see.
When Monday, March 20th finally rolled around, I was headed
back to the doctor for our second round of blood work. This was the first
morning I noticed a significant decrease in my pregnancy symptoms. Over the
previous few days the nausea had slowly started to fade, but that could be
normal, right? Now, there was no nausea and the breast tenderness I once had
was completely gone. I also noticed some soreness in my hip/thigh muscles. But,
I tried to push fear aside and wait to hear something definitive. I had the
blood drawn and then went about my day. I came home to my husband for lunch
around 1pm. I was praying every second, "just please let those numbers
rise, Lord, but as always, not my will but Yours be done."
My husband left to head back to work and I was going to
start working on a few things around the house. I used the restroom quickly
(something I had started dreading, for fear of finding out I was bleeding) and
my worst fear came true. I was bleeding. My heart dealt with this as if it were
a definitive sign that the pregnancy had ended. My sweet husband came back home
and we mourned together. So many tears. All I wanted to know was
"why?!" We made a few phone calls and continued to mourn. Several
hours passed and the bleeding had slowed to just spotting and this was a bit
confusing. I was expecting the bleeding to only increase, not stop. A little while later the doctor's office called with the blood test results and we heard the
unthinkable! They said the numbers had more than doubled and my HCG level had
risen from 3,500 and was now at 29,000... a very strong, healthy, hormone
level. I shared that I had bled for a short time but was only spotting now and
she reassured me that it was not uncommon to bleed or spot during early
pregnancy. Such relief! Clearly, we were not completely out of the woods
because of the baby's measurements and gestational sac size, but any piece of
good news was REALLY GOOD NEWS!! I sat down to rest and just thank God for this
happy moment.
My husband called his mom to share the bit of good news when
I saw the doctor's office calling my phone again. I instantly knew, they had
made a mistake. I went to the other room to take the phone call and I was
right. While my current level was in fact 29,000 the previous reading was
35,000 not 3,500. My hormone level had actually decreased, a definitive sign
that the baby was no longer growing and I was having a miscarriage. The nurse
sharing the information with me the first time, had made a mistake.
For a moment, I was very angry. How could she do that to me?
Doesn't she know what this feels like? Doesn't she realize this is the
difference between the life and death of my child?
And then I remembered my own humanness, and how easy it is
to make a mistake. And I remembered the great grace I have received from a God
that I have wronged, intentionally and unintentionally, hundreds of thousands
of times, and yet He gives me grace and forgiveness. And in that moment, He
gave me the grace I needed to let go. Anger became sadness, and we mourned
again. This time it felt a little more numb, it was really happening and there
was nothing I could do to change it, and there was no more hope to hold on to
that this tiny life would keep living in my womb. The "why" question
came back up again... did I do something wrong? Was this a punishment of some
kind? Was it because I was nervous when I found out I was pregnant? Has God
stopped answering my prayers?
No.
I don't know all the specific reasons why this has happened
to us, or why it happens to so many others. But I do know some things,
and these truths have helped my soul tremendously. I
hope they help yours too, whatever you may be facing.
Truth: God is good, even when bad things happen.
Nahum 1:7 - The Lord is good, a stronghold in the
day of trouble; and He knows those who trust in Him.
Truth: God is completely sovereign, in
everything.
Isaiah 46:9-10 - Remember the former things of old, for I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is none like Me, declaring the end from the beginning, and from
ancient times things that are not yet done, saying, 'My counsel shall stand,
and I will do all My pleasure"
Truth: God causes grief, but not from His heart.
Lamentations 3:31-33 - For the Lord will not cast
off forever but, though He cause grief, He will have
compassion according to the abundance of His
steadfast love; for he does not afflict
from His heart or grieve
the children of men.
Truth:
God uses painful things for our good.
Romans
8:28 - And we know that all things
work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the
called according to His purpose.
Truth: God is present, even when bad things
happen.
Isaiah 41:10 - Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you,
Yes, I will help
you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.
Truth: God sustains us,
even if we don't feel like we can carry on.
Psalm 55:22 - Cast your burden on the Lord, And He shall sustain
you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved.
Truth: God provides
the comfort we need, even when things hurt.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4 -
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the
Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our
tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble,
with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
Truth: IF God
allows something as discipline, it is from the heart of a loving Father.
Proverbs 3:12 - My
son, do not despise the chastening of the Lord,
nor detest His correction; For whom the Lord loves He corrects, just as a
father the son in whom he delights.
Truth: All of the
pain in this life, is so small in light of eternity.
2 Corinthians 4:17 - For our light affliction, which
is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal
weight of glory
Truth: It's OK to be
really, really sad.
Job 1:20-22 - Then Job arose, tore his robe, and shaved his head;
and he fell to the ground and worshiped. And he said: “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, And naked
shall I return there. The Lord gave,
and the Lord has taken
away; Blessed be the name of the Lord.” In
all this Job did not sin nor charge God with wrong.
Truth: Our sweet,
sweet baby is now enjoying the glorious presence of Jesus in Heaven*
2 Samuel 12:18, 22-23
- Then on the seventh day it came to pass that the child died... And he said, “While
the child was alive, I fasted and wept; for I said, ‘Who can tell whether the Lord will be gracious to me, that the child may
live?’ But now he is dead;
why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him,
but he shall not return to me.”
Matthew 19:13-15
- Then little children were brought to Him
that He might put His hands on them and pray, but the
disciples rebuked them. But Jesus said, “Let the little children
come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of heaven.” And He laid His hands on
them and departed from there.
*If you are
interested, you can find more information about this truth here, here and here. The last resource addresses intentional abortion
(which is clearly not our situation) but the issue of infant death is still the
same.
Truth: God does hear and answer our
prayers.
Jeremiah 33:3 - Call to Me, and I will answer
you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know.
My husband shared this sweet hymn with me the
day we found out we were miscarrying. It so clearly shares how God answers our
prayers, even if the answer doesn't look like we thought it would.
Over the next several days, lots of emotional
healing started to take place. Many tears were shed, many prayers were offered
up, many songs sung in worship, many phone calls, text messages and visits from
family and friends brought us comfort.
****************************************************************
A small warning. Below, I do share details about the physical
process of miscarriage. My aim is to be honest yet modest and not unnecessarily
graphic. I'm sharing this in an attempt to help others going through
miscarriage know what to expect (even though every experience is different), and for my own continued healing.
****************************************************************
For the
next several days physically, I felt pretty normal. I just had some minor
spotting and occasionally a period-like cramp. We went for a second ultrasound
on March 24th and found that the gestational sac was continuing to grow
(swelling with fluid) and had not yet started to collapse. We were given 3 options...
1. Continue to wait it out and attempt to have a
natural miscarriage (technically a missed-miscarriage because the baby had
stopped growing several weeks prior)
2. Be given a medication to induce contractions
and hopefully encourage the process to move along more quickly
3. Have a D&C, an out-patient surgical
procedure to remove the baby and the lining of the uterus
My husband and I both agreed that our first
desire was to have a natural miscarriage at home and that we would wait as long
as the doctor would allow us to for that to happen. Thankfully, our doctor
encouraged us to do that, but would only allow us to wait 2 more weeks, until
April 8th. At that point we would have to proceed with a D&C to avoid the
increasing risk of infection.
So, we left that doctors appointment and
continued to wait. At this point, our prayers changed now that we were hoping
things would quickly progress and happen naturally. With this shift, another
layer of reality began to sink in... this really was going to happen. I started
to feel sad over the little things I wouldn't be experiencing, particularly
that I wouldn't get to hold and snuggle this sweet baby. To help with this, we
went to pick out a stuffed animal that would be a snuggly reminder of our child
(an idea I read on another blog about miscarriage). Not only does having
this stuffed animal give us something to physically hold on to, but it has
helped make the whole process more tangible and less mental. We hope someday if
the Lord blesses us with other children, they will play with this stuffed
animal and remember their sibling in heaven.
For ten more days there was very little change
in my physical symptoms. I was only spotting lightly and occasionally passing
small clots. The cramping was becoming a bit more consistent but nothing major,
it still only felt like normal period cramping. I was starting to feel worried
that things wouldn't progress and I would be forced to have a D&C. (And I
was beginning to feel a little like I was rotting from the inside, just because
the baby had died so many weeks ago... not a fun feeling, friends.) Finally, on
Sunday, April 3rd I began bleeding more heavily - like a normal period. I was
so thankful for this. The bleeding continued until Tuesday, April 5th when
things picked up pretty quickly. That morning I had very sharp cramps which was
unusual because typically if I had any cramping it was later in the day,
shortly before bed time (my heating pad came in very handy during these times).
I also started bleeding a lot more, soaking a pad every few hours, and passing
larger clots each time. I was in constant communication with my husband who was
on stand-by to come home from work if needed. When he came home for lunch he
could tell I was in pain as he later mentioned my tone of voice had changed. I
finally was able to lay down on the couch around 2pm. I used the heating pad
and took some Tylenol for the pain. Around 6pm I began having strong, rhythmic
cramps (contractions!), every 30 minutes or so. With each contraction all I
wanted to was go to the bathroom. I would feel a strong cramp and then a gush
of blood and a strong urge to sit on the toilet. I spent a lot of time there
that night. In reality, everything that was in my womb was now on its way out
and there really was nowhere else for it to go. While I knew this had to
happen, I didn't realize what it was really going to be like until I was faced
with it. (Thankfully I was in close contact with a dear friend who had had a
natural miscarriage and reassured me that a lot of time on the toilet was
normal.) The contractions slowly became closer together and got stronger to the
point that I was unable to talk through them. After each contraction I would
attempt to get up and walk a bit, only to find myself headed back to the
bathroom a few short minutes later. I was starting to soak about a pad an hour
(something the doctor told me to watch out for and head to the ER if it
happened). We live about 40 minutes away from the nearest hospital, and the
idea of getting in the car for that long did not sound like any type of relief.
We called the doctors office and spoke to the on-call doctor. She advised that
if the bleeding didn't slow down in an hour and a half we should head to the
hospital. She also gave the go-ahead for more Ibuprofen. 1:30am rolled around
and I was becoming exhausted. I ended up throwing-up from being in so much
pain, getting overwhelmed with the amount of blood I was seeing and just how
traumatic this whole experience was becoming. However, since I wasn't
light-headed and I wasn't bleeding more than a pad an hour,
and because of my seemingly physical inability to get in the car, I decided to
proceed at home. Instead of constantly running to the bathroom, I finally just
decided to camp out in there. I found a comfortable position, laying on my left
side during the breaks from the contractions (now only about 12-15 minutes
long). I was desperately trying to cling to the promises of God that I knew -
He was there, He was sovereign, He would sustain me, He would show mercy. But,
it was becoming increasingly more difficult to keep my thoughts captive to
Christ. I started listening to music to help, and landed on this song. I let it
play the rest of the night and just meditated on the fact that even in the midst
of all this pain, God was being good to me.
Through all of this, my dear husband was helping
in any way he could - holding my hand, rubbing my back, bringing me water and
gatorade, praying for me, giving me space when I felt more like being alone,
reminding me of what I knew to be true. He also kept himself prepared and ready
to drive us to the hospital at any given moment. I could never thank him enough
for how caring he was towards me in my very worst moments (even though I'm sure
he didn't know what to do at times!) The sweetest thing he did was send me this
text message while we were both trying to get some rest - him in bed, me on the
bathroom floor as I was listening to the above song - "It thrills my heart
to hear you listening to praise music & desiring to praise God in the midst
of trial and suffering. It's so beautiful." I'm so glad I married this
man.
Beginning around 3:30am I was able to fall
asleep in between contractions and the bleeding slowed so that with each
contraction I didn't feel the irresistible urge to get up. Some rest was such a
grace. At 5:30 I felt able enough to move to bed and I slept, pain-free, until
8am. I woke up thinking, is it over? I was expecting to pass something that I
would recognize as a six-week developed fetus, but I had only seen large clots.
Maybe I had missed it? At that point I needed to get something to eat so I made
my way to the kitchen and made a peanut butter sandwich. In the meantime, I
decided if the pain and bleeding did start again, we would leave for the
hospital immediately. I didn't think I would be able to handle that much pain
again, with such little rest, and it just felt a little abnormal. Sure enough,
a few minutes later I had another strong contraction, taking my breath away,
and the bleeding became heavy again. I was back in the bathroom and my husband was
getting ready to drive us to the hospital. I wanted help with the pain and just
to be checked out and make sure everything was progressing normally. Because of
the pain, and the urge to stay in the bathroom, it took an hour to get myself in
the car. I had 6-7 contractions in the car and while being checked into the
Women's Urgent Care (BTW, my husband really impressed me with his in-crisis
driving skills). We finally got to the room and I used the private bathroom,
passing the largest clot I had seen so far. Next, they began an internal exam
and discovered that the baby had not yet passed, and was stuck at the cervix.
That explained the intense contractions. Thankfully, they were able to gently
help things along, passing the baby and I felt instant relief. I did ask to see the baby, and while I'm thankful I did, I wish I would have taken more time. If you miscarry at the hospital - please don't feel embarrassed to ask to see your little one, the doctors and nurses were very reassuring that this is a good and normal thing. After the exam, an ultrasound
showed a nearly-clear uterus. I had spent the pervious night passing the
lining, with just a small bit left to pass. The hard work was over. Our baby
was gone and the healing process would now begin. I was so thankful to feel
physical relief, that the finality of it all didn't sink in emotionally until a
few days later. We were able to leave the hospital within a few hours and were
at home resting for the remainder of the day.
As I am writing this, just 4 short days later, I am experiencing inconsistent bleeding and
cramping - some heavy, some spotting, some cramps, sometimes no pain at all. I
feel a mixture of relief and sadness and emptiness and a desire to move on. The
hardest part now is just not knowing what to expect with each day, all while really
being ready to move on with my normal day-to-day life. It could take anywhere
from 1-4 weeks for the bleeding to stop and for my cycle to return back to
normal. We have our last (hopefully) follow-up appointment on Friday, April
15th, to ensure my uterus is clear and that the hormone levels have come down
low enough to give a negative pregnancy test.
Moving forward, we will continue to pursue God's
will for our lives, and for our family. We will give thanks for the many, many
blessings we have experienced during this painful trial - especially the immense amount of love
we have felt from our family and our brothers and sisters in Christ. We will
take comfort in knowing that this life is not our end, that this sometimes
painful dwelling place is not our eternal home. And when we think of our
sweet baby, we will rejoice in knowing that we have a heavenly child, who is
perfectly praising our perfect Savior... the greatest desire we could ever have
as parents.
