Ever Be

Here is a small glimpse of my heart. I plan to reflect on our wedding, the move south and the first months of marriage soon. Thank you for visiting and for your patience as I learn the rhythms of my new day-to-day life.

The last 48 days have been a time of such FULLNESS. Entering a covenant. Saying good-bye. Saying hello. Dreaming. Arranging. Creating. Hoping. Planning. Waiting. Changing. Exploring. Learning.

I will ever be learning.

Learning to love.

Learning to worship.

Learning to forgive.

Learning to rejoice.

Learning to be missional.

Learning to die to myself.

Learning to be filled with the Spirit.

Learning to be hopeful.

Learning to surrender.

Learning to have faith.

Learning to cling to Jesus.

Learning to have "Your praise ever be on my lips" no matter what I am learning.

2015: The Year of New Beginnings: 2016

A new year... and a new journal! Picking out a new journal is one of my favorite things to do each January. It's a hard decision for me, usually taking much longer than it should as I peruse the shelves of Barnes and Noble. A good journal is all about feeling for me - the paper soft, the binding strong, and of course it helps if it looks pretty. I'm excited for this year's journal.

I love all of the blank pages - possibilities - and I can't wait to fill them with thoughts, prayers, sermon notes... all the ponderings of my heart. I look forward to this new year in the same way. So many possibilities. New opportunities. And this year is sure to be full of them! I thank God for this new year. A new beginning, a new adventure. I'm getting married!! I get to be a wife! Lord willing, I'll have the privilege to begin my own family with a sweet and godly man - for the glory of God. Praise Him, I wondered if these days would ever come!!

But, before I look forward at my prayers for this year, I want to look back at what the Lord has done.

First, at this time last year, Jesus carried me through one of the hardest choices I've ever had to make. At the time, it felt like I had a lack of faith, like I was giving up, or doubting God's ability to work powerfully in my life. Now, I can see it was just faith in God in a different direction. God did work powerfully in my life and in my heart, but it looked differently than I ever could have imagined. Praise God, He gave me the grace to trust Him and to say "yes" even though it wasn't my own desired solution. God showed me kindness during that season through sweet friendships, family, and the opportunity to share the hope of Christ with others (which increased my own hope and joy in Him).

As the answer to many prayers, the Lord brought my dear fiancé to me last year. Through this, the Lord has begun teaching me more about what it means to love biblically and how to be a godly wife. I have realized that I know so little and am very underprepared (but willing!!) for this great calling of marriage. I can see it will be a tool used to teach me to rely on Jesus and trust His grace as I learn and grow. Both Rob and I have been very blessed and encouraged by many sweet couples and a few resources we've used to begin preparing for marriage. 

Click here to get a free PDF download of "This Momentary Marriage" by John Piper.

"Preparing for Marriage God's Way" by Wayne Mack has been a very practical help!

I rejoice in the great things the Lord has done in my life this year. He has been so faithful to me. But, as I examine my own heart, I have to admit it has not been a year of great spiritual growth. At least not that I can tangibly see. So, looking forward to 2016, my greatest desire and my deepest prayer is that it would be a year of more spiritual growth. I hope this will take shape in a number of different ways...

• I desire a deeper yearning for the scriptures, leading to more consistency in my daily reading.  I've always enjoyed deeply studying one book of the Bible at a time, but have not always been faithful to follow a daily reading plan that would lead me through the entire Bible each year. I began this discipline (again) over the summer with a chronological reading plan and hope to continue with more consistency through this year. Here's a resource that may help you if you desire the same thing - http://www.ligonier.org/blog/bible-reading-plans/

• I desire more intimate prayer, seeking God first in all things, and fighting my battles on my knees. Prayer so often for me is an after thought. My mind and heart gets so quickly distracted when I settle down to pray. I've also struggled with figuring out how to keep track of different prayer requests I have for people or burdens that are on my heart and when to pray for them. So, last year I started a prayer notebook that has begun to help. It's divided into sections of daily and weekly prayers. Daily prayer includes: adoration, prayers for my own needs and desires, and prayers for my fiancé and our future family. Weekly prayers are broken down as follows: Sunday - The local church (leadership, members, ministries, needs), Monday - My extended family, Tuesday - Rob's extended family, Wednesday - The lost (those in my life and around the world), Thursday - Local ministries, Friday - World ministries and missionaries, Saturday - Specific Needs and people groups (government officials, the homeless, prisoners, etc.)  Structuring prayer in this way was partly motivated by a message by John Piper, which ends with a thought about praying in concentric circles - http://www.desiringgod.org/messages/devote-yourselves-to-prayer

• I desire to actively hide God's word in my heart. Rob has really been an encouragement to me in this area. He is very disciplined in memorization and I lovingly call him my "walking concordance". I love that one of his goals in memorization is to aid evangelism. I hope to follow his lead in this area and really work diligently to memorize scripture this year, especially those verses that clearly present the gospel to others. 

• I desire to continue intentionally sharing the gospel on a regular basis - both planned and unplanned opportunities. Again, I look forward to joining Rob in this area, being a helper for him and being encouraged by his faithfulness to continue sharing Jesus with people. I have lots of ministry ideas and I look forward to how the Lord will unfold ministry for me in a new community. 

• I desire greater contentment and really tackling the idol of materialism that I find in my heart so often. I desire to seek spiritual treasures more than any earthly possessions.

Overall, I just want to know and love Jesus more. Without Him, all of my desires for this year are empty tasks that mean nothing. May my love for Jesus bring these desires to life, and may these disciplines help my love for Jesus grow.

Two Steps Forward

Where has the time gone? As of December 5th, my fiancé and I have been engaged for 4 months. As of tomorrow, we will have known each other for 8 months. Time is flying! I was over-zealous back in October thinking I would be able to plan a wedding, finish up my teaching job, pack and move to Mississippi,  prepare my heart for marriage AND start a blog. I had hoped to document at least weekly the happenings of this transition. Ha! Story of my life - biting off more than I can chew. 

But, in this moment I'm so happy to be sitting here writing right now. My soul needs this hour. It needs many more hours like this. The last few weeks have been particularly trying. ("Trying" is not really the right word, because it has a negative connotation, and everything surrounding the chaos of my life at the moment is very positive! But, the past few weeks have been a challenge regardless.)

As I prepare to leave my job and move out of my apartment this week, I have found myself swimming in a sea of boxes, and bubble wrap, and lesson plan ideas for the substitute taking over my class in 4 days...

drifting through a fog of relocation details (think health insurance, post office, furniture measurements, etc.)...

trying to keep track of final wedding preparations... (those pictures are a secret!)

looking for spare moments to spend with friends and family that will soon be long distance friends and family...

missing my currently long distance fiancé deeply...

And, oh yeah, it's Christmas in 10 (TEN!) days. You know, that special day when we celebrate God's great gift to us - our Savior. 

There has been so much busy-ness in my days as of late. And I have learned myself well enough to know that I don't do busy-ness well. It usually ends up being more like busy-mess. Where I am a mess. Inwardly. Because, you see, I don't fight the temptation to be a Martha very well. {Luke 10:38-42} By nature I am a "DO"-er. Not a "BE"-er. I have had to learn how to sit at the feet of Jesus and rest. I have had to learn how to hand over my to-do list and trust that what needs done will get done. I have had to learn to put first things first. And in my honest confession, I have failed at these things the last few weeks. The call of my work, and the packing, and the planning has been much louder than the whisper that calls me to rest. And to worship. And to give thanks.  Some would argue, rightfully so. I truly do have a lot on my plate right now. But for me, nothing is more important than my time with Jesus and when that gets cut short, and when the busyness of my life stiffles the joy of Christ in my heart, I suffer. Those around me suffer and most importantly, HE is not given the affection from me that He deserves.

So in this moment, I am going to attempt to make my busy-ness, THANKful-ness. I will turn my work into worship.

When I am overwhelmed with packing --- I will THANK YOU LORD for all of the material provisions you have given me. I have never lacked for any necessity and I am rarely asked to say "no" to my wants either. Thank you for all of the boxes that have been donated to me, making this packing process less expensive.

When I am overwhelmed at the thought of leaving my job --- I will THANK YOU LORD for providing this job in the first place. It has been a testimony to me that you do hear and answer prayer.  Thank you for the joy that my students bring to me each day. Thank you for giving me the ability to teach, wherever I may be in this world.

When I am physically tired --- I will THANK YOU LORD that you were a man and you knew what it was like to be tired. Thank you that I can rest in YOU. Thank you that you will give me the strength I need to complete the tasks you have laid before me.

When I am anxious about leaving my friends and family --- I will THANK YOU LORD that I have friends and family who love me more than I deserve. Thank you for technology that will allow us to easily stay in touch and for the dear friends and family I will have in my new home. Most of all, thank you Lord for being a friend that sticks closer than a brother. I am never alone, for You are always with me.

When I feel consumed with wedding planning details --- I will THANK YOU LORD for the gift of marriage. I have waited for this time for so long. You have been so faithful to me in providing this blessing. Thank you that you have made provisions for us to have a wedding that will glorify you and be a wonderful time of celebration! Thank you that marriage and weddings are more than just what happens in this physical world. Thank you that you have chosen such a sweet illustration of how Jesus relates to His church. An illustration of how much you love us!

When I feel lonely and miss my fiancé --- I will THANK YOU LORD that I have a fiancé!! Thank you that this time of separation will soon end in a joyous union. Thank you that this time of separation reminds me of the separation we have from You until that great heavenly marriage supper! Thank you that I can look forward with hope to Your return, as you {the bridegroom} come to gather us {your bride} to yourself.

When I feel burdened with my sin and imperfections during this busy time --- I will THANK YOU LORD for your great grace. I am not right with you because of my own works, or my own righteous actions or responses. I am right with you because of YOUR RIGHTEOUSNESS alone. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Put a Ring On It

My mom and I spent about an hour looking at nail polish together in Walmart. We both love to shop - taking in all the colors, textures, and creative possibilities. This particular trip, we were in search of the next perfect color to add to our stash. Usually, if we can't decide between a few colors, we always go with the color that has the best name.  Ya know.... "One fine day", "Ruby Ruby",  "Plum of the Earth" or "Mint Apple". Finding out your nail polish has a cool name is the best part of the whole experience!

I would be leaving in a few days to embark on my first major road trip; traveling from Ohio to St. Louis with my dear friend Kaitlin, then heading on to Crystal Springs, Mississippi on my own. All the major details had been figured out - gracious friends to stay with, new tires on the car, oil change, bags packed, numerous prayers offered up, playlists made, audio books checked out from the library. But now, I just needed to decide what color to wear on my nails. It was a tough choice. Should I go bold, with teal? Classic with a nice red? Or subtle with light pink? I finally found a great color. A feminine shade of soft pink.

I admit, it's not the most important decision I'll ever make in my life, but it was fun none-the-less. I really enjoyed this time with my mom, just being a girl. We picked up our hues and headed home. We were chatting about my upcoming trip as we prepared to paint our nails. "Are you nervous?" "Do you think you want to marry Rob?" "Have you two known each other long enough?" I shared with her my hearts intent. He was the man I wanted to marry. He points me to Jesus. Encourages me to pray. Sings worship songs with me. Helps me share the gospel. Makes me laugh. Listens to me cry. Always gives me a gentle answer. Has desired to be a husband and father long before meeting me. Knows the Bible better than I do. Makes me want to know it better. Gives me butterflies. I could go on... I hoped he would propose. He and I had talked about it and I enjoyed his boldness and direct intentions. But I wasn't really sure when or how... or for sure, it would happen.

There was a natural pause in our conversation and I realized I hadn't checked out the name of my nail polish before buying it. This one won me over by color alone. When I flipped it over, I shrieked with joy.

My mom and I both giggled. And I think we probably both knew (as I would later find out, she DID know!) I would indeed come home with a ring. 

"Seek His face always"